WANTED: Nanny / Housekeeper / Cook / …

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Mother of three on a remote northern California mountaintop seeks help in childcare, not-light housekeeping, and a lot of other stuff. The position will hereafter be referred to as the Uber Nanny.

Applicants with the following expertise are asked to submit a comprehensive curriculum vitae and cover letter:

> Culinary expertise are essential. Applicants with a solid background in simple French cuisine will be considered. Those, however, with skills in and comfort with creating Asian cuisine, e.g., savory curries made with hand-mixed spices, lip-smacking sambals, and fresh sushi, will be preferred. The Uber Nanny position also requires an ability and willingness to make Nutella sandwiches with the crusts cut off.

> Powerful negotiating skills are a must. The Uber Nanny will need creative, intelligent parries to the following: “Come o-on, just one more minute on the computer…”; “Why did he get more M&Ms than meeeee…?; “How about this, you give me dessert, and then I’ll clean my room?”; and other similar arguments. All day long, over and over again. (See also Saintly patience requirement, below.)

> Previous experience on a submarine crew necessary. The Uber Nanny will occasionally/frequently be required to sleep in the tight space between a five year-old and a two year-old to administer soothing comfort alternatively to one, then the other, all night long. Personal space at those times will be comparable to, or possibly considerably less than, the sleeping space in the bunk of a submarine.

> Previous experience as a ranch hand required. The Uber Nanny should be able to muck horse poop while holding a wriggling toddler, wrangle stray hens while simultaneously reviewing the calendars of three children and scheduling their dentist appointments on a cellphone, and clean the hen house while keeping the kids from attempting to juggle the fresh eggs they just collected. The Uber Nanny will also need to erect five to ten miles of cattle fencing over the summer in his or her spare time. Ability to shoe a horse and drive a tractor a plus.

> Saintly patience is an absolute prerequisite. The Uber Nanny will not be permitted to shout at the children, tear his or her own hair out in frustration, or pull the car over with a jerk and threaten to make the kids walk home if they don’t stop fighting. Those useful coping skills are reserved for me, the mother, alone.

> Additional requirements have been stipulated by the children: Tomas requires that the Uber Nanny be able to pitch a curve ball. Tristan necessitates that the Uber Nanny be a fireman. Phoebe demands that the Uber Nanny allow her to do whatever she wants. The Uber Nanny will need to draw upon her saintly patience and negotiating skills to navigate this demand.

If you possess the above qualifications, and are motivated by interesting life experiences in fabulous places rather than by monetary incentives (Did I mention this job doesn’t pay particularly well?), please contact me via the Leave a comment button.

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One thought on “WANTED: Nanny / Housekeeper / Cook / …

  1. I would like to throw my cowboy hat I to the ring. My cover letter:
    Hire me because I know baby teeth and am CPR certified.

    My CV:
    Muhlenberg college biology and philosophy double major. This allowed me to think about what would happen if I could not find a job
    University of Pennsylvania schools of dentistry and then children’s hospital.
    I have the patience of a saint and I am able to distract most children. However, my cooking skills are limited to takeout, cereal, and latkas.
    Being The Cowboy dentist, I would like to think I can wrangle chickens and collect the eggs for the cows.
    And finally I am superbly trained I. Providing two choices to children, both of which I am okay with. However if small children disagree I find running away is a good option


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